I can't stand this pain much longer,
I walk in shadows,
Searching for light,
Cold and alone,
No comfort in sight.
Despite a good talk with hubby I have had such a down day. Everything started with a fight and just seemed to get worse and worse. It helps that I had hubby’s positivity on my side, but I am still sad.
My mom’s group was cancelled for tomorrow and no one called to tell me. Except friend who was apparently asked to ensure that I knew. I know it is bitchy to feel slighted by this, but I do. No one could bother to actually call me in person? I have been at that group for three years now. Why is it that friend that has been going for three months gets a call and is asked to pass it on?
Now I am sure it wouldn’t bother me if I wasn’t so sad already. I just need to get over myself today.
My poor 5 year old son is sick. Not H1N1 sick, but sick. He has been spending more time than I am comfortable with vomiting. He had to take the whole week off from school. It has been a nightmare. Poor dude cannot hold anything down. So, I made him a doctor’s appointment. The doctor seemed stumped by him and his single symptom. And he has a slight yellow tint, the doctor noticed it right away. So little man got to go and get a blood draw. He was brave, but scared (according to him). Blood tests suck. He has been feeling fine since. Go figure.
My parents were at a funeral out of town yesterday and I was lucky enough to get a text from my sister asking if I could take her to the doctor’s office. She found out from a sexual partner that he had contracted H1N1 and belived she was the one who gave it to him. Since that is the type of “get your ass to the doctor” calls that most people receive from sex partners. Sister had been sick, and did have the H1N1 symptoms but is now moderately better. So I threw her in the van (along with my sick kiddo) and took her to the clinic. Everything went well with her too. My only concern was her and other sister publicly refering to me as a jerk (even if playfully, which I don’t know if it was) because I was “gawking” at sis in her mask. I actually went to the extreme measure of sitting with my son and leaving her to sit alone so that I didn’t gawk. I don’t expect people to kiss the ground I walk on, but why does it seem people have been going out of their way to be ungrateful?
Or is it just that I cannot let anything roll off anymore because it seems the longer I stay in this marriage the more unhappy and slighted I feel? It sounds through the grapevine like hubby has found a car he is interested in. I am so glad he was sweet enough to tell me…
Last Sunday we had a neighbor die suddenly of a heart attack. I was out at the time but hubby watched from the upstairs window. The ambulance came, they brought neighbor out on a stretcher, and then performed CPR in the yard. She was then rushed off to the hospital. I later heard that she didn’t survive after crashing in the front yard.
It has gotten my mind spinning. A lot. She was a 51 year old woman. She has been in so-so health after some issues a few years ago. No one expected that she would just fall over during lunch one day though and die moments later. It has struck me as unfair. Unfair for her and unfair for her daughter.
Neighbor had her early 20 daughter die of cancer three years ago. Now neighbor is dead. She has a daughter left who is in her early 20s. I feel so sad for her. Her dad is either dead or non-existent, her grandparents are too old and sick to even travel to the funeral, and her mother and sister are now both gone. She lived with her mother but hasn’t been back to the house overnight since it happened. I assume she has been with her boyfriend who has been a fixture here for years. It is sad. I feel so bad for that poor woman left on her own. What will happen to her? I assume that life will go on and eventually things will reach some level of normal.
We went to the funeral this past Thursday. Me, hubby, and daughter. It was sad. I didn’t even know the woman but I was so sad by her loss. Seeing the photos they had there – photos of baby neighbor, photos of her with her babies. That woman lost two children before she died. She had also lost an infant son in 1983.
I have to admit I feel stupid for thinking I have issues. That woman had dealt with things I do not even want to imagine but she was so happy and really did seem to enjoy life. Why lose her? Why not allow her to live her happy life despite the setbacks she has faced? Life doesn’t make sense some times.
I am getting so frustrated that I cannot get onto a computer to blog on a regular basis. I can check my email and facebook from my phone, but cannot do this. I have to T9 it because I don’t have a keyboard. It just drives me right around the bend.
I found out tonight that my husband is going back to school. Or at least decided he is. Which maybe throws a wrench into the decision to let him stay here until he could find employment. He hasn’t told me though. I found out on my own. Which is how I gather most information about his life anymore. Of course the amusing thing is that as soon as he is gone I can get to school. But I cannot enroll until I can qualify without his “income” or his lack of. Why are there so many resources for single parents but not for those who are married who are struggling? When I had my first child I think I existed on air. I thought those days were long past. My children are getting fed now but I am starving. Fuck this economy! Of course we still have money for my husband’s alcohol. Because he deserves to have a drink.
I am feeling nothing but bitter and unhappy. I was stupid when I agreed to let him stay until things got ironed out. But how does one throw out someone who has no income? Where would he go? I may be sick of him but that doesn’t mean that I want him to get fucked over or don’t love him. So instead I bend over and get fucked. I don’t want him here. Not with the way things are at least. And he has the nerve to tell me that things are going so much better. No, they aren’t. I am staying the fuck out of your way and living in a miserable fashion. Just because you get no resistance doesn’t mean it is not there. I have given up trying. Every time I talk I am a nag and a bitch. I cannot suggest anything, ask anything… ugh!
I feel like a broken record. Just the same shit over and over and over. It still feels good to get it out though.
So I have a friend who I have known for almost 8 years. She is a real sweetheart but for lack of a better term she is a bit of an idiot. Sometimes she just doesn’t get it. Yesterday she texted me because there was a crisis of some sort in her marriage. Her and her husband don’t get along very well either. She made a big stink about how her family was super worried about her, how her friends from out of town wanted to come in to check up on her blah, blah, blah. I asked what was wrong and what I could do to help. She tells me that we have to get together and she would explain then because it is much too long to text. I can understand that. I told her that hubby was out every night until Friday but that maybe we could set something up then? She wanted to talk last night. I said we could do the call thing but that I had three kids and no vehicle (she doesn’t drive) and that I couldn’t get out. Couldn’t I drop him off? No, he won’t let me drop him off. Couldn’t I get a sitter and borrow their car? No. I told her if she wanted to come down here she was welcome but she didn’t have a ride and the buses suck (true!). But the text messages kept coming. “My mom keeps calling me, ugh”. Or “I think maybe I will leave town”. Why? She wouldn’t say.
So today I get up and have a message from her about attending mom’s group. She wanted to go. I sent back and said oldest kiddo was home sick but that if I could work it out I was going to go. She wrote back a short time later saying that things have gone bad so she wasn’t going to group. What’s wrong? She tells me “you know, just all the stuff from yesterday again”. I tried to send her as many generic “I hope things get better and please remember I am thinking about yous” as I could but I got no response. I tried to call and I got no response. I started to worry.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I called her mom. Her parents and my parents were childhood friends who moved to separate provinces as adults. Their family has since moved back. Technically I met this friend as a baby before they moved but I don’t recall. Anyways, her parents are friends of my family’s and also her father is the minister who married hubby and I. I told her mom that I didn’t want to know what was happening but was friend okay? I was so worried about her and I didn’t know what to do because she had shut down and wasn’t answering calls or texts. Apparently I now look like a fool because her mother has no idea what crisis I was refering to. Great.
So I am not sure if friend had a crisis or what was going on. I do know that right now my mental stability is ready to fly out the window without the bullshit. I have been a fucking basket case all day and it may have been over nothing? WTF? I just don’t understand. If you know I am stressed then why stress me more? Shit happens in other people’s lives and I understand that but don’t play games with me right now.
Hopefully my irritation is misplaced. I just feel so lost.
So I have been struggling for two weeks now about what to with the loan my husband wants to take out. Or is it three? Either way I am torn and confused.
My husband decided the best course of action for our money woes and us wanting to provide some much needed improvements to our home is to take out a line of credit. This would take credit from my credit card and leave me with a $2000 limit and $7000 in a line of credit. This money could be put towards the upgrades and a car for him. He figures that we need $1500 to fix the house. I figure he is wrong and that we need much more than that to fix the house the way we hoped. But I am “the stupid one” so what do I know? He even went so far as to tell me he shouldn’t have told me about the loan and should have forged my signature. Isn’t that the way healthy relationships go? Not only do I not feel stupid in this situation I feel I am within my rights to tell him that I feel it is a bad idea. Signing my name to a loan I had no knowledge of, or even worse signing it after I said I was not comfortable with it, is illegal, honey, and not the smart and mature thing you seem to think it would have been.
I don’t know that using my credit to get these funds are a good idea. Not because it is mine but because if we are actually splitting, like it sounds as though we still are, I am not sure a joint loan is a good idea. It just makes sense to me that if we are planning separate lives that having a joint loan is asking for trouble. Because of this he demanded his credit card that I have on his account back. Why? Because I could max it out and leave him with debt. Again this is something I have never done and have never shown any indication I would do.
I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. Am I the person I think I am or am I some crazy stalking bitch who wants to financially ruin other people? He seems convinced that I am out to destroy everything about him, his friendships, his finances, his happiness. I am just so sad. I am a sad person who is married to someone who apparently doesn’t know me. Who cares if he thinks I am wrong! … I care. It messes with my head to be told “this is how you feel” when really I don’t believe I feel that way at all. We have been together now for 10 years. Wouldn’t he know me?
Take for example his grandmother who is still in the hospital after a heart attack almost two weeks ago. Having been with him for 10 years his family is like family to me. I care about them and their ailments, especially something serious like a heart attack. But when I ask for updates on her condition what am I told? To fuck off and mind my own business. Apparently I only want updates on his grandmother because I want her to fuck off and die already. And then I end up a sobbing mess because that is nowhere even close to true. His grandmother is a great lady who I not only care for but also LOVE. Why the fuck would I want her dead? Because I don’t like his family and my inner evil cannot be hidden behind my concern and well-wishes. At least according to him. Which I realize now while reading this over is utterly stupid, but I still hate to hear it. Why break me down and destroy me mentally? Because I am weak? Because you want to feel like a big man? It is no wonder that I want to end this relationship. It is not just to destroy the lives of my children by denying them a two parent home. I feel it is more destructive to allow this bullshit to continue.
I keep praying that things work out. I keep praying that he will come to his senses. But I know him well enough to know he won’t. He can do what he wants and expects that he should get forgiveness. I may have been the first one to own my infidelity but that doesn’t mean that his actions are any less destructive and hurtful.
Dear Husband,
Remember that whole fiasco with ‘volleyball girl’? Yeah, I haven’t forgotten yet either. Don’t fake sainthood when we both know that you are far from innocent in wrongdoing. The more you beat me down the more I realize that you have as much reason to be in this position as me. I own my misbehavior. Don’t pretend yours never happened and excuse it away as “since I got busted it didn’t go as far as it could have”. Pathetic… When I read the chat log from “New Zealand girl” it didn’t seem very platonic either. Even she realized what you were doing was wrong. Move down there to take care of her like you planned. I am sure that the grass is way greener.
Love,
Your soon-to-be ex-wife Summer.
/rant over…
Hubby is currently at his ball team’s league year end banquet. And I sit at home because I was not invited.
He told me on Thursday via text that he was “invited out” by his team. They were getting together for drinks. He asked if he could go. I gave him the same response he always gives me “do what you want”. Partially because I knew he would go anyways, but mostly because I didn’t care. I had seen the invite to the banquet months ago on his facebook events so I knew this was coming. When I saw him the only question I had was if he had the correct day. I thought it had been the twenty somethingth. He assured me it was today and a check of his facebook told me he was right.
So last night I offered him a ride. He is in the bad habit of drinking and then driving home when he feels he “probably shouldn’t be driving”. I don’t want him to lose his license, our vehicle, or his life. If he wanted to get shit faced it would be better to cab home. To my surprise he got mad. He asked why I couldn’t just leave him well enough alone. I tried to tell him I only had the best intentions but he didn’t believe me. I was told that he should never have told me that he was going out in advance. He should have just mentioned it as he was walking out the door. I told him that it is bad enough that he was going to a banquet without me (we always did those things together) but to not tell me is just rude. I already knew that he was invited so why not tell me he was going. And then he really lost it. He got up in my face and flipped out because I had no reason to invade his privacy and I needed to fuck off and stop spying on him. Despite my protests he wouldn’t believe that I found out about it through legit means. So I showed him. Now I am sure that along with hiding all his pictures from me on facebook he is going to hide his events. I told him that the discussion was over. He could go to his damn banquet and I would not bother him about it further. I also told him that if he changed his mind about accepting the ride that I would gladly drop him off. He said he would not…
… and then the real kick in the teeth came…
… because he felt that if he told me where the banquet was that I would stalk him.
Excuse me? Not only would I never stalk him, and have no history of stalking, I would have three kids with me. What was I going to do? Sit around outside the banquet and wait for him to leave? Did he really think I was that psycho? Apparently so because he still hasn’t told me where he went even though I have no vehicle with which to stalk him in. I don’t need to know where he is, in his opinion, and if I did know I was a risk to show up and make a fool of him.
It hurts. Maybe I have some doubts about his intentions with a teammate. That doesn’t mean I am going to sit outside a banquet and wait to confront her, or even worse crash the party to do it. I know there is a first time for everything but what the fuck is he basing that on?
I told him that him saying that may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. We are in a marriage that is that fucked up? It sounds like he wants to find a job, buy a car, and leave. I am in a pretty big funk. I do love him and I do want him here. Sometimes what’s best is not what we want though. This environment is killing me and killing my kids. I hope he realizes that I am not the only one that needs help. He needs it too. Otherwise we won’t survive.
I survived! Things were a little “iffy” between me and hubby at times but we are getting along now so I guess that’s what matters.
I am starting to realize that he feels I should forgo things that I really want or need and gets upset about that. For example, when I first got into town on Friday hubby told me to meet him at the bar. I asked if I could get the room key because I have been packing and cleaning all day and driving for three hours and I wanted a shower before socializing. He tried to convince me I didn’t need one. I said I didn’t care what he did but that I wanted a shower. What a bitch I was – he left with me because it was not right for me to go on my own. Why? I then told him that I needed supper and he said that I could eat at the bar. When we got to the bar though everyone was literally just leaving. So we got to go and sit around someone’s hotel for two hours while hubby drank. Lucky me getting supper at 1:30am. Inconsiderate.
The other issue arose when we were leaving town. I was sick Sunday night leading to Monday. So on Monday I was still not quite feeling it and threw up before getting into the van to leave. And then again at the 7-11. So I told hubby I was worried about the drive seeing as how I was that sick. His response? “We are in no hurry. If we need to pull over then just tell me”. And then I saw the Walmart. So I asked hubby if he would stop for me so I could buy some Pepto. He stopped, but only after I talked him into it. The reason he didn’t want to stop is because “it was taking too long to leave town”. And it will take more time to buy anti-nausea medication than it will to pull over so your wife can vomit out of the vehicle on the highway?
But not only was he bothered about those – he brought them up after to tell me he was bothered about them. I can see momentary irritation but why dwell when all I wanted to do was get comfortable. We both deserve to do what we want, but why couldn’t he let me go to the hotel on my own? And the Pepto thing is just ridiculous.
The ball tournament sucked. The team was all a bunch of basket cases and it was the first one eliminated from the tournament. Hubby has said he would never go back – but I doubt that he will stick with it. His ball has always been the most important thing in his life. Apparently his team was only created because his coach wasn’t allowed on her boyfriend’s team. She isn’t good enough. So she created her own team, which for some unknown reason had the same name as boyfriend’s team. Meh.
So now life is kinda back to normal. I spent yesterday sick on the couch. I blame supper on Sunday. I am looking forward to getting to clean out my van today. Hubby wanted it done yesterday but I told him that he could do it then because I was sick. He decided it could wait. Is it wrong that I am irritated that since I had to pack all the bags and load everything into the van that he cannot help getting anything out?
And after all that we are generally getting along right now. Go figure.
… but I am not.
I leave here in 5 hours to drop the first two kids off at the sitters. EEK! Hubby has already left and reached his destination and I am meeting up with him this evening. The drive is the part that bothers me the most. I get to spend my night stuck in traffic leaving town for the long weekend. Hopefully it will go better than last year.
I am almost ready to go. Or at least think I will be ready when the time comes. Hubby really did nothing to help so I have a lot on my plate. I keep hoping that I will get it all done. So far I have avoided going into a panic 
The kids are eager for their sleep overs which is nice and the neighbor is pumped about taking the dog for the weekend. I guess the only thing I should be doing is finishing my packing…
Wish me luck
My kiddos are back in school again. Older son (OS) had his first day today and younger son (YS) has his tomorrow. Both seem okay with it but YS is struggling with the devastation of being separated from last year’s teacher. We think he had a bit of a crush on her. Or rather I do, and hubby thinks that they were totally “Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy” from South Park. ….Nice. The classrooms are across the hall from each other and the boys are both pumped about that. You can totally see from one into the other! Awesome! The day was pretty smooth, too. Dropped kiddo off, checked out the kids’ classrooms, talked with neighbor, got copies of a newsletter made up at Staples, delivered the newsletter, had lunch, went to mom’s group, visited friend, came home and made supper. Now kids are in bed and I am ready to relax. Hubby is volunteering at a Casino tonight.
So in a last minute change of plans I am going to a slo-pitch tournament this weekend with my husband. Initially I was to stay here with the kids. But due to the kindness of my sisters I am able to go. My younger sister and her boyfriend are taking my boys, and our youngest sister is taking daughter. The neighbor is watching the dog. We are staying in a hotel with a woman neither of us has met. I am trying not to let myself get stressed about that. Hubby creeped her facebook and she looks nice enough. I feel like I am judging a book by it’s cover Of course I am nowhere near ready to go anywhere. I am not sure how I am going to get out of here in less than 48 hours…
I went to last year’s ball tournament and it was because of the great talks we had and great time we had that hubby didn’t file the divorce he met the lawyer about last September. I don’t expect magic, but I would love to reconnect with him while we relax and hang out with each other without the distraction of the kids. Wish me luck!
